Welcome To My Diary

Aka the page where I display how fucked in the head I am publicly on the internet because I can and I have no shame. Writing about my thoughts and experiences helps me process shit a lot better so what better place to do that than on a page on my website?

This page is going to contain a lot heavy and probably NSFW topics since it'll mostly be me rambling about things that have happened or are happening in my life. Either that or just anything that i'm currently thinking about in general. Trigger warnings will be added if anything extreme is mentioned but regardless, read at your own risk. This isn't a happy or relaxing page! It's the unfiltered talking space of a disturbed individual. I'm also very opinionated so beware!

Current School Situation & More

content warnings: transphobia, homophobia & fakeclaiming

I find it kinda funny how this entry and the last were written on the same exact day of their respective month. That's not really important though. I should definitely use this page more often and allow myself to make shorter entries instead of obligating myself to basically write a whole novel every entry. I usually have a lot I wanna say but I hold myself to that same multi-paragraph expectation every time even when I don't.

I've been going to this new school for a couple months now. It's a private therapuetic school that my district is paying for me to go to because the public school in my town SUCKS SO MUCH ASS and did nothing to properly help me or pay attention to my needs ever. I technically started this school year over the summer since I was required to attend an ESY (Extended School Year) program. It was kinda stupid though cuz even though we weren't doing any actual academic work the whole time (because it was the summer), just lame activities, students were still expected to stay off their phones at all times. They'd do field trips on Mondays and Thursdays and even during those we still weren't allowed to use our phones for some reason. Please explain to me: when I'm a brand new student at this school with no friends (so no one to talk to), we're at a fucking WATERPARK and I didn't even bring a swimsuit cuz I didn't wanna get wet (didn't even wanna go on the trip in the first place), so I'm sitting completely by myself in the hot ass sun, what am I "disrupting" or "distracting myself from" by being on my phone? I genuinely would love to know. The counselor said it was to "encourage socialization during trips", but that still doesn't make sense because You Can't force a kid with crippling social anxiety surrounded by people he's never met before in his whole life to socialize by barring him from something he uses as his main source of entertainment and comfort. Also do you seriously expect me to wanna socialize with anyone period when it's the goddamn summer and I'd much rather be at home than at Summer Camp: Dumb As Fuck Edition. Be so for real right now bro

Enter the Official Start of The School Year in September though and it's officially state law that students have to keep their phones put away during school at all times because it. ruins their mental health? Well yeah the internet unfortunately is a contributing factor to mental health problems for a shit ton of people (especially teenagers) but that's going to happen no matter what because of the way the internet is and threatening kids with suspension if they dare to take out their phone during class doesn't do anything to solve that. Leave it to U.S. governors to come up with the weakest excuses to justify the most ridiculously authoritarian nonsense. I can just distract myself in class by browsing Neocities on my chromebook though so it's okay. Somehow the site isn't blocked on the school's wifi LMFAOOOOO thank god. Playing random old flash games during class is fun too. I'm also writing this entry in the middle of class and the teacher can probably see what I'm doing but I don't really care that much

There's suprisingly actually a handful of people at this school that I find pretty cool and would like to be friends with, I just barely know how to interact with people unless they're the first one to initiate something because I never know when and if they'd actually wanna talk to me or whether or not they would just think I'm weird and want me to stand 100 feet away from them forever. There's this one girl who's in my homeroom currently that I asked to be friends with during a half-day visit I did back in June but I've only had a very miniscule amount of conversation with her and it SUUUUCKS cuz she's so cool but she's always with her other friends that I fear would definitely think I'm weird if they got to know me beyond surface-level. Siighhhh whatever man. I have her discord but she never texts me do I send her something. Swagever THere's a lot more queer people at this school than I antiticipated and that makes me really happy because for once in my life I finally don't feel extremely out of place and I feel like it's at least a little bit safe to actually express myself and be open about my transness (and queerness in general). That aforementioned girl is I Think Probably a trans woman (she has a sticker of a trans flag with her name written on it on her chromebook so I think it's safe to assume) and there's also these two trans girls in my art class that are best friends and I think a lot of people here are queer in general. Public school was NEVER this queer bro I swear everyone and their mother was cishet over there and a lot were homophobic and/or transphobic why is everyone either a stereotypical jock or mean girl with zero real personality outside of acting like idiots and thinking they're cool for it and why can't I simply exist in peace without people taking issue with me please white girls stop staring me down in the middle of history class. Thank god I was only back in public school for like a maximum of 5 months (I was put back in Feburary after being switched back and forth between online schools and it only lasted until late june).

I would've been a senior this year but I got held back a grade and now am repeating junior year due to my horrific mental state fucking everything up and making me not want to do literally anything in relation to school at all for the past half of 2025 and basically all of 2024. I'm a little more motivated to get stuff down now that I'm in a better school that actually cares about my mental health and needs and also has stuff I'm actually interested in doing (such as art classes that aren't packed full of people that only join the classes for the sake of fufilling a requirement and have zero real interest in art thus preventing actual artists from being able to join those classes), but I'm just kinda lazy and my mind is all over the place. Plus I have a new best friend online and all I can think about is wanting to hangout with them please help me I love them too much

I've been pretty open about being trans and using he/him pronouns and such while at this school for a little while now and most people have thankfully been respectful of it (although I've been they/themmed a few times even though I've explicitly said I use he/him and I even have a fucking pin with my pronouns on it that I wear to school everday how hard is it to understand that I don't use they/them). I haven't told anyone my chosen name though because there's like 50 other guys at this fucking school named Gabriel and I don't wanna confuse people why does this happen to me. I'm just gonna have to deal with being deadnamed until someone bothers to ask what name I Actually Fucking Go By

I made a friend yesterday in a way that I personally never expected to happen. Someone in my homeroom handed me a piece of paper they said someone else wanted me to have but they didn't know why. It was a letter from someone wanting to be my friend but I was really confused cuz they fucking signed their signature as Zooble (tadc character dawg) and the only thing that would've helped me identify them was a brief description of how they look so I guess they wanted me to just take a wild guess as to who they were. They also kept rhyming in the letter and I thought that was kinda funny. They came up to me during lunch though and told me they wrote the letter and then we sat next to eachother while we ate lunch and had a pretty good conversation!! I think they're really cool I hope we get to hangout more also they asked for my phone number and I gave it to them but I have no clue if they actually plan on texting me or not but we'll see :3:3:3 I told my mom about them before I went to bed and she kept insisting that I tell her whether they're "biologically male or female" since I told her that they use they/them. LIKE GIRL THAT ISN'T ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUISNESS. I shouldn't be surprised though because she is INSANELY transphobic and if you've read my old entries from 2024 you'd know what her whole deal is (TLDR: she pulled me out of public school my freshman year because she didn't like that people were affirming my gender identity and decided to spread the false narrative that I was being groomed into being trans, plus she also felt that she was entitled to know despite me not being ready to come out at all because I KNEW that she'd react EXACTLY LIKE THIS). She's gotten less aggressive about it overtime but she still says fucked up shit sometimes and treats my entire queer identity as if it's a seperate entity from me but if I get upset about it and call her out then I'm the problem and I'm treating her badly and walking all over her acccording to my dumbass sister who claims to be "politically unaligned" but is very blatantly conservative and is only open to viewpoints that fit her apathetic worldview! She got mad at me yesterday because I made fun of her for claiming to be unaligned but also literally admitting in the past that her beliefs are mostly conservative so like at that point just say that's the side you're on pookie. You piss me the fuck off. Whatever I got sidetracked ermm PEOPLE ARE WHAT THEY IDENTIFY AS BECAUSE GENDER AND SEX ARE SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS THAT WERE MADE UP TO FORCE PEOPLE INTO RIGID BOXES AND INTO SPECIFIC SOCIETAL ROLES SO STOP FUCKING ASKING PEOPLE WHAT'S IN THEIR PANTS AND JUST RESPECT WHO THEY TRULY ARE. Every transphobe should die forever thank you

Anyways uhhh something not school or bio-family related I've been playing a lot of VRChat recently (on PC cuz I don't have a VR headset) and have been making some friends on there. I mostly just hang with my bestie and online dad on there currently but we have a lot of fun interactions with other people especially in the object show related worlds. Some crazy shit happened yesterday while we were chilling in a TPOT though where some 13-14 year old neo-nazi fucks went up to us as well as many others in the lobby to harass us and yell slurs. They called my online dad a pedophile for literally just being 23 and playing the game and also for being gay. God knows what they would've said if they knew bro is also trans jesus christ man. It's ironic though because at some point those same kids started openly talking about having CP and apparently were trying to show it to people although I thankfully didn't see any of it because I blocked them the moment they first came up to us. What's even MORE diabolical is that they were streaming themselves doing this shit so all of that is definitely gonna come back to bite them in the ass in the future LMFFAAAOOOO my bestie suggested I play copyrighted music to fuck with their stream so I started blasting Coconut Mall into my mic and they got pissed off and blocked me and a ton of other people who were trying to also fuck with them. They were also fuming over another friend of mine telling them they like to goon to Mario. It's crazy how someone will enter a space with the intention to piss people off by being violently bigoted for fun and they leave being the ones pissed off themselves over a nothingburger LOL. They also kept going around accusing a lot of people (myself included) of faking DID/OSDD which I find incredibly hilarious because you have know clue what anyone's symptoms are like, you are just going up to random people and harassing them and assuming they're faking just cuz they say they have something you don't understand. Get a fucking life dude.

I really wanna get a VR headset and also for my girlfriend to maybe get one so we can all play together cuz it would genuinely be the most fun experience ever I think. I've asked my dad to get me one but he keeps saying no because he "doesn't want me to immerse myself in that". I'd literally only ever use it as another way for me and my friends to fuck around and have fun it wouldn't become all-consuming of my entire life LOL I'm well aware of the dangers of that shit. Also I had to deal with my ex consistently ignoring me because being on VRChat was more important to her than trying to mend our relationship, not that it could've or even should've ever been salvaged but whatever lalalalalalal anyways I talk way too fucking much bye this was way longer than I expected it to be

17th Birthday Blues

content warnings: suicidal ideation & grooming

I haven't written one of these since like 2 months after I first started my website, which was back in November 2024. So it's been pretty much almost a year since I've taken the time to really sit down and turn the incoherent nonsense in my mind into proper, coherent words on a webpage. I really should've tried doing one at an earlier point this year since I've had a lot of thoughts about a lot of things that I needed to get out. I feel like I've just been neglecting doing any significant work on my website in general. Too many other things have been occupying my time. Ironic since I don't really have much going on in the first place.

Tomorrow's my 17th birthday. I made this website a couple days after my birthday last year, which was probably the most miserable one I've had yet. At that time I had been mourning a past relationship where I was groomed and manipulated, so you can probably imagine my mental state back then being nothing short of absolute fuckin dogshit. I couldn't bring myself to feel happy at all the day I turned 16. All I could feel was pure, unfiltered self-hatred and grief for both a relationship I thought I was at fault for ruining, and my entire life up until that point which I felt as if it had completely passed me by and gone to waste. All my life has been spent seeking validation from people on the internet and all I've been left with is scars that will never fully disappear. I have people in my life that I'll cherish forever because of being online, and I hope to meet all of them in person one day, but that doesn't change the fact that there's so much shit I wish never happened. So many things I wish I had done differently. So many people I wish I had never allowed into my life at all. So many people I wish I had never allowed to trick me into believing that they gave even the slightest goddamn shit about me. I was genuinely so fucking close to killing myself.

2024 really was a horrible year for me. I genuinely wish I could get that time in my life back and right a lot of my wrongs. Maybe if I never got into a relationship with a particular person, I would be in a better place today. I let myself be toyed with, used for my body and then thrown away like fucking garbage. Despite being filled with hatred towards that person for doing those things to me, I still couldn't stop being completely obsessed with them. I couldn't stop tryng to go back and salvage what didn't exist from the beginning. I couldn't stop brainwashing myself into believing the lie that was the love I thought we genuinely shared. I can't deny that I've definitely matured emotionally because of that experience, but it genuinely destroyed me as a person. It turned me miserable and I made the people around me that I love miserable as a result. One of my closest friends is permanently scarred because I let that traumatic experience take control of me and define who I was. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. I don't think she'll ever be able to truly forgive me either. But that's okay, because she still means the world to me no matter what.

I have a girlfriend that I've been with since late March this year that I genuinely really love. She's first person I've been able to actually envision a future with in a long time. It's been a little tough though because I'm terminally online and she's the exact opposite of that. I cherish every time we get to spend time together extra hard since she's always busy. I wish I could just spend every day with her but I need to be able to be okay with being on my own sometimes. I need to learn to be okay with my own company and not rely so much on another person. A relationship should be a positive addition to my life after all, not something I use as a crutch to get by. I've made that mistake too many times already. I hope I can spend time with her on the day of my actual birthday, if not now then some other year from now. That'd make me really happy.

I think a lot about how much I've changed since I was finally able to let go of my obsession with my ex that groomed me. I honestly find it hilarious how the thing that finally kicked off my self-healing era was getting hyperfixated on Inanimate Insanity. I'm not fucking joking when I say that. Getting into that show was probably the best thing I could've ever done. It's been my main source of comfort for pretty much this entire year and it's the reason a lot of my passion for certain things were restored and my mind was cleared of a lot of awful things that were weighing me down consistently. I've been able to actually enjoy doing art again and I've felt way more comfortable with drawing more self-indulgent things. I have a much easier time coming up with ideas because of how much this show has inspired me. So many of those ideas have yet to become reality still, but I feel a lot more motivated to at least try and make shit even if other people don't really give a fuck about it. In simple terms, a decent bit of my creativity has been restored thanks to this show about sentient objects competing on a reality show. It's also the first time in genuinely fucking FOREVER that I have actually enjoyed being apart of a fandom, even if I mostly just observe from the sidelines and occasionally share things of my own in relation to it. It's also thanks to Inanimate Fucking Insanity that I am no longer actively suicidal. I've learned to value my own life in spite of the fact that I've wasted so much of it. The past may have sucked, but the future is mine to claim. I just need to take charge of my own life, and starting today, I'll try. I know this all sounds corny as fuck but I don't care. Fuck you.

I've also genuinely have never felt so fucking seen by any particular show until getting into Inanimate Insanity. The character Paintbrush is specific is LITERALLY ME in every possible way it's not even fucking funny. I wanna talk about how but I have so many thoughts about it that I could not even begin to put into words here. Everything about them is so me. I am them and they are me. Without them there is no me and without me there is no them. I'm literally a Paintbrush. I need fucking help dawg I should probably make a page on my site for making articles dedicated to talking about ultra-specific things that nobody else cares about. I could ramble about specific interests of mine and maybe I'll go in depth of why this character means so much to me and why I see so much of myself in them. I am an extreme fictionkin and also a fictive of them by the way I just felt the need to mention that. You could not rip The Sexy Paintbrush From Inanimate Insanity from my cold dead fucking hands even if you tried they are the reason I hate myself so much less now.

I'm not that excited to turn 17. In a year from now I'll be a legal adult and I'll have to start trying to figure all of my shit out so I can get the fuck out of my parents' house and have a way of supporting myself and potentially my partner and found family. I need to finish highschool in order for that to happen. I need to get off my ass and actually be willing to take care of myself and do important things and be a responsible adult. That way I'll hopefully be able to actually live my life and be happy. Unfortunately I still feel I'm nothing more than a pathetic child that doesn't know anything sometimes. A majority of the time actually. I wanna be able to medically transition. I need to be the one in control for that to happen. My parents need to be out of the picture someday, since they don't support me in that way and they never will. They'll never see me as Gabriel, they'll only ever see me as an innocent little girl they need to help achieve salvation from Christ or whatever. But I'm not that little girl. I never have been, and I never will be. I'm gonna be a grown man soon. That little girl is dead.

Test

no applicable content warnings

i'll write an actual entry sooner or later i just wanted to make sure that this is working correctly

i love suitcase from inanimate insanity i wish she was real