November 2024

I haven't felt like updating my site in a while, and I guess that included writing any diary entries. So I've have a lot of things on my mind that I've wanted to talk about, I just couldn't really find the words to do so. I could talk about my gripes with the outcome of the election, how badly I wish for that disgusting fascist to fucking die, and how angry I am with my parents for dismissing everything I've ever told them and voting for him, but that entire subject has in all honesty become a trigger for me currently. I had a horrible panic attack last week because of my fear of what's happened and what could possibly happen now that he's back in power (i.e. the suicide rates for queer youth going up to around 70% in UNDER 24 HOURS since the election ended), combined with stress I was already experiencing because of concerns I have regarding my physical health. My sister who doesn't know how to mind her fucking buisness and who has also suddenly proclaimed that she's conservative despite supposedly being a supporter of the queer community, decide to butt in when I was trying to express my frustrations with my parents and made everything worse. I also got into an argument with my other sister where she basically invalidated all of my feelings regarding how our parents have treated me and called me fucking delusional just because she doesn't understand why I feel the way that I do about certain things, and I why I see them in a specific light. And I'm supposed to respect these people because apparently they're my biggest supporters. Bullshit. At this point I've accepted that they're all willfully ignorant and they'll never understand any of my feelings or be open to hearing about any of my opinions, as well as that they'll never accept me as trans person, so I'm just trying to stay quiet and steer clear of any of their nonsense from here on out.

Regardless of whatever bullshit that man has in store for this already shitty country, I'm still gonna keep living and being my truest self. I just hope that he gets the fuck out as soon as fucking possible. I will say that I'm thankful that I at least live in one of the very few safer states in the US, so I don't have to worry too much, but that won't stop me from worrying completely. I'm worried for my friends who live in states that are very much NOT safe. I want them to keep living too. I want all of my fellow queers, regardless of whether I know them personally or not, to keep living. I hope for a future where we can all live freely and happily.

I also took a late night trip to the hospital last week because of concerns I had regarding non-stop pain and discomfort I've been feeling in my chest for a little while now. I was extremely paranoid about it possibly having something to do with my heart, especially after the panic attack that I had, but the doctor assured my mom and I that it was just a heavy amount of stress combined with acid reflux, since I make myself burp constantly. Also, they did bloodwork on me, and turns out I'm anemic, so that's fun. Hypotonia and anemia is a wonderful combination. I definitely need to start eating better, and taking care of myself more in general. Depression just makes doing literally any of that really difficult. As for my mental health, it's not really getting better, this program I've been going to has been alright but I haven't really gotten much out of it other then getting to meet other trans and queer people in person. They're planning on keeping me in the program until January, which I'm not super happy about, but I guess it's necessary considering I still haven't really made any progress.

Yesterday I was hit with the realization that I'm most likely aroace. I mean, I've suspected myself being somewhere on that spectrum for a while now, so It's not entirely surprising to me. I first labeled myself as demiromantic, then demiromantic and demisexual, then aroaceflux, then I eventually just gave up trying to put a label on that specific part of my sexuality and just started saying that I'm aroacespec, but I never expected that I would be fully aroace. I'm still a lesbian of course, I've always loved women, it's just that I don't really feel attracted to anyone in particular, romantically OR sexually. I've mostly only ever had feelings for fictional characters, and there's been a grand total of one actual person that I've ever felt truly in love with, but if you read my entries from October, you'd know at least vaguely what ended up happening with her. What really sucks about this for me is that I don't even really feel attracted to the person I'm in a relationship with currently. I know she loves me dearly, but I genuinely don't know whether I'm in love with her or if I just love her as a person. After what happened with my ex it feels genuinely impossible for me to bring myself to feel anything for anyone else. I just ended up getting with someone new because I was desperate to have at least someone there to love me. Am I a bad person for that? I don't really know.

I just wanna feel something.