October 2024

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this

I've never really had an online diary before, or any diary in general to be honest. My mom has always had some weird obsession with buying journals and notebooks, so of course she didn't skip out on the chance to get a few for me. I ended up either just using them for drawings or simply never touching them at all, since I've honestly never been the greatest at putting my thoughts into words without it all being a jumbled incoherent mess. My ADHD also causes me to give up on a lot of things not long after I start them, which includes maybe the single time I attempted to start journaling when I was younger. I'm also just not a fan of writing physically, since the way I hold pencils make my hands start to hurt pretty quick. Today's the day where I'll actually make an attempt to push all of that aside, though. I've tried different methods to document my thoughts in the past, such as posting to a private twitter account or whatever other social media I had that wasn't immediately accessible to a wide number of people, but I eventually gave up on posting to them much. I'm not sure why. Probably because of the anxiety of not knowing whether the people seeing it would give their input or not. I think having a space for me to ramble about anything I want without having to worry about what other people think of what I'm posting would be good for me.

If I remember correctly, therapists in the past have also suggested that I keep some sort of journal as a coping mechanism, or something like that. Obviously I've never bothered with it in the past, but I don't think it's too late to give it a shot now, right? I'm a little bit anxious about having this publicly viewable since in all honesty, I'm a bit fucked in the head, and that will definitely show in the things I plan on talking about here at some point. I have a lot of issues and I have yet to get pretty much any of them sorted out, so this will be my space to vent about those issues, and it definitely won't be pleasant to read. Aside from venting about my problems, I'm a bit lost on what else I might write about. I'm honestly really fucking boring and I do pretty much absolutely nothing in my day to day life. This is most definitely making you want to click off, but I'm just being blunt. If anything interesting does happen I'll try my best to write about it here, but don't expect much.

About the "listening to" thingy at the top, that'll be used for if I'm listening to music while writing here, if a certain song is stuck in my head, or whatever other reason. Music is really important to me and I can never go a single day without it, so I might as well make some sort of use of that for my site. Plus, recommending others the songs that I like is nice sometimes.

Now that all of that is out of the way, I'll talk a little bit about what my life has been like recently. To put it bluntly, it's been kinda shit. I have limited internet access as of currently because of my parents thinking that simply being online is what's causing me mental health issues. I get that for once in my life they're trying to show me that they care, but I think it'd be better if they went about showing it in a way that didn't involve cutting me off from basically the only thing I have to keep myself occupied, but whatever. I have to push HARD for them to give me even the slightest bit of leeway since according to them, there's other things I could be doing. Which is, for the most part, false because of our living situation. I can't go anywhere that isn't where my parents decide to take me, which is rarely anything that is actually of personal interest to me, an example of this being church. I've never had any interest in being part of any religion, it's just not something that I give a shit about. There's nothing in particular that I really believe in, I don't wanna live my life in favor of some deity that may or may not actually exist, I just wanna do what I can to live in a way that's actually fulfilling for me. My parents specifically are Christian, and I've grown quite a big distaste for it for many reasons, mainly because of them forcing me to go to church with them when I've told them dozens of times that I don't wanna go. And of course, them being the stereotypical conservative christian parents and all, they're firm in their believe that being queer and trans is a "sin" and thus don't have any respect for the fact that I am queer and trans. I don't think abuse is the right word for how they've treated me since they found out about it (which was completely against my will), but they've had their ways invalidating me, such as my mother trying to gaslight me into thinking that I was groomed into believing that I'm trans when I first got outed. I unfortunately have been groomed before, but those situations had no part in me discovering that about myself. I came to the conclusion completely on my own, from my own thoughts and feelings. Nobody had any involvement but myself. I could go on and on about how much my parents piss me the fuck off, but doing so honestly gives me a headache, so I won't be saying much else for right now.

A situation where I was groomed actually happened quite recently. It was by my (now ex) girlfriend who was only a year older than me. Proud to say that I've long been out of that situation and am now in a new and much healthier relationship with someone better, but I'm still struggling to heal from it and it's basically the whole reason why any progress I was making towards getting better, if any at all, just completely fell apart. Even now I still haven't fully processed the fact that any of that even happened in the first place. Obviously it's an extremely uncomfortable subject for me, so I don't exactly feel like going into any details. Simply just thinking about it genuinely makes me feel so fucking sick. What makes it hurt even more is that I was genuinely in love with her. In fact, I feel as if I never truly loved anyone until I met her, and I was so blinded by how infatuated I was that I let her do whatever she wanted to me, just for her to throw me away and spread the narrative that I was the one abusing her because of things that were completely out of my control. I really don't understand it at all.

I feel like I can't be a good enough boyfriend to who I'm with now because of her. She made me feel like I was a horrible person, and I honestly might be. Maybe not for the reasons she's led other people to believe, but I really don't think that I'm a good person at all. I've tried so hard to fix what's wrong with me, but I'm at the point where I've given up and I just feel like it just doesn't fucking matter at all anymore. Whatever future is supposedly in store for me, I doubt I'll ever be able to get there. I don't have the motivation to even give a shit about my own well-being anymore.

This is probably a bit depressing for a first entry, but that's to be expected I guess. I hope I'll actually be able to keep up with posting here regularly, but who knows what'll happen? I'm out of brain juice at the moment, so I'm done for right now.

I'm currently in class and wanted a way to pass the time since this one in particular is extremely fucking boring, so I thought I'd write another entry here.

The school that I go to is online. I just recently got switched to this one from a different online school since my mom thought it would be better if I had something with actual structure rather than just take a completely self-paced course, which is fine I guess. My only issue with this school in particular is that it's a Christian school, and it's very clear that they expect you to also be a christian attending the school. The work in a lot of the classes is related to christianity in some way rather than the actual subject of the class, which honestly just makes me wanna do this shit even less. I already don't wanna be in school in general since I really just can't mentally handle it, but all this religion stuff being added on just makes it even more frustrating for me. I don't get why christianity has to be part of every aspect of my life. Being forced to go to church and having people try to shove their beliefs down my throat was enough, I don't need it in my education too. But I guess there's nothing I can do about it, I just need to get by somehow so that I eventually won't have to deal with any of this anymore.

It's been over a year since my mom pulled me out of public school. It was mainly because the teachers there weren't doing jack shit to help me. They were passing off my lack of motivation due to depression as me just being lazy, and even with my IEP that my counselor from middle school literally had to fucking FIGHT for me to get because of my neurodivergence, still, none of them cared. I probably would've ended up getting left back a grade if I stayed there, so I'm at least grateful that THAT didn't happen. What really bothers me though is that what actually pushed my mom to finally pull me out of there is that she found out from an email from the principal that I was (and still am) trans. I had asked my counselor at that school if he could send out an email to my teachers asking them to refer to me using he/him pronouns and my chosen name (which was Kendon at the time, now it's Gabriel), and out of respect for my identity, he did exactly that. Most of the teachers weren't very receptive to it though, which was honestly to be expected. To this day I still honestly have no idea how my mom found out about it. I assumed that she received an email from the principal where he used my chosen name and pronouns, which I specifically asked for it NOT to be used when talking to my mom because I had always been scared of how she'd react, but I genuinely don't know how it actually happened. Regardless, upon finding out, my mom assumed that someone at the school was "influencing" me into being trans and immediately pulled me from the school. For a long time after that, being at home with her was not pleasant in the slightest. She would frequently tell me stories of people regretting transitioning (which are very fucking rare cases) to try scaring me out of being trans or something, amongst tons of other really horrible things to make me feel like I was a terrible person and put a false image of the queer community into my head. She gets a lot of her information from right-wing sources of course, so barely any of it is actually fucking true, it's nothing but propaganda that takes rare cases of certain things happening and uses that to generalize the entire queer community. I find it disgusting that THAT is what she sees as a credible source of information, and then she wants to talk about people "being indoctrinated into being queer", which literally doens't fucking happen. I mentioned before that she also tried to gaslight me into thinking that the only reason I believe I'm trans is because I was groomed. I told her about a past situation involving someone I used to be friends with that I was suspecting was probably a pedophile, and that's what she turned it into in her head. That person never even DISCUSSED the topic of being trans with me, and I had already blocked them out of my life LONG before I even started slightly questioning my identity. This is the exact reason why I was scared to tell her about the recent situation regarding my ex-girlfriend, because I thought she would try making it about my identity as a trans person again. Thankfully she didn't, although she tried to blame me for what that person did to me. You can probably see why I have never trusted this woman with the knowledge of literally anything I've ever gone through.

As for how my day's been going, I just woke up not too long ago so nothing really interesting has happened. I wanted to draw something today but I don't have access to my phone, so I'm just gonna have to do it traditionally. Other than that I don't really know what I'm gonna do. Just the usual sitting around and doing basically nothing I guess. I am working on my website though, that's something fun.

I didn't write an entry yesterday since I was so focused on making adjustments to the rest of the site that I couldn't think of anything I wanted to write, but I'll try to squeeze something out of my brain now.

I've been feeling a little bit better, just in general, not about anything in particular. I'm still struggling to find the motivation to attend my responsibilites, but I'm at a point where I can say that I'm feeling somewhat okay. I'm not sure how long it'll last, but I'll try to make the most of it I guess. I do feel quite a lot of motivation to draw right now, but I still have yet to get my phone back. I think not being able to access social media as much has contributed to why I haven't been feeling as terrible, but it would be nice if I was able to draw in the way that I want. I also miss being able to talk to my girlfriend and my friends as often as before. I don't know when my mom plans on giving it back to me, but hopefully it's not gonna be too long. I don't really have anything else to do with my time, so I've mainly just been working on the site to keep my mind stimulated.

I'm honestly really worried about my relationship with my girlfriend. She's definitely upset about how I haven't been able to be online as much, and our conversations have been getting a bit dry as of recently. I'm scared that she might be starting to lose interest in me. I'm doing everything I can to make sure she knows that I still love and care about her, it's just hard when my parents don't want me on any social media and are constantly on my ass about it, so we really haven't been able to spend much time together at all. I think it's also just difficult for me to maintain a relationship in general when my mind is still being tainted by the thought of my ex. I still haven't made much progress in moving on from that. It's not that I'm "still in love with her", she disgusts me now, it's more that I just don't know how to heal from the things she did to me. I feel like I also just miss the relationship I had with her before I realized how disgusting she really was. I don't have any proper way of coping with what happened. I've just been going through life and hoping that intrusive thoughts calm down and that she eventually just leaves my mind altogether, but she's still lingering in there. I really don't know what to do.

I'm gonna start getting a "higher level" of psychiatric help soon, since regular therapy wasn't working out at all. I'm not sure if this will work either, since the place I'm going to apparently doesn't have the greatest reputation, but we'll see what happens. I'm hoping that they'll actually help me and not do some shady shit. I just wanna start actually making at least some progress in healing. Obviously my overall mental health won't be permanently fixed, but I can at least get to a point where she doesn't still hold so much power over me anymore.

We're starting to get a bit incosistent with this, but that's okay. This entry is being written by another alter, I don't wanna disclose my name here, since it feels awkward to on something like this. But I'll sign off with an emoji (👁), and if any future entries are written by other alters, they'll sign off with an emoji as well, or just their name if they want. It doesn't really matter.

Today was our first day at that psychiatric place. It wasn't anything special at all, I was really fucking bored for most of the time we were there. We also didn't really recieve any actual therapy or whatever, probably because it was our first day, they mostly just had us do random activities with other kids that were there. It'll most likely be different the next time we go, but I'm honestly not really looking forward to it. It is nice to get out of the house and be around people that aren't religious for once, though.

Our parents lended us a laptop to take with us to the program, since there's two hours where we're required to do schoolwork. That bitch runs SO goddamn slow and the mousepad is so sensitive that I kept accidentally moving and closing tabs. It was also extremely difficult for us to focus with the amount of people that were there, and I honestly didn't feel like doing shit anyways, so I just sat there for pretty much the whole time scrolling through Twitter and working on my own pronouns.cc page. We have a lot of work that we need to catch up on but I personally just don't have the energy to do any of it.

Yesterday two of our sideblogs on Tumblr got randomly deleted for no fucking reason, one of them was a xenogender/general flag hoard blog which is especially frustrating since Gabriel spent literal hours trying to find the sources for a lot of the flags we use to put them on that blog, and now all of it's just gone. We weren't given a warning or anything, one moment we were trying to reblog something and then the next the entire blog just disappears of the face of the fucking earth. The other blog was an empty one that we were planning to use as a selfship blog. There wasn't anything of value there since we hadn't used it at all yet, but it just sucks knowing that we'll never get either of those URLs back. We haven't had many issues with Tumblr since it generally is a better place to be than most other social media sites, in our personal experience at least, but stupid shit like this happens so often because of the staff on the site being fucking horrific. An old account we had got terminated out of nowhere and it took so fucking long for us to get it back since nobody was responding to our initial appeal. That same account ended up getting falsely marked as explicit a few months later and we ended up having to make an entirely new account, because we sent multiple appeals and never recieved even a single fucking response. It might be best for us to just leave social media completely and exclusively just have our website, since so much shit has happened that has been detrimental to our well-being, as well as all of those sites themselves being literal dogshit for so many reasons (primarily being run by shitty people, Twitter is run by a fascist shithead and Tumblr staff is full of TERFs), but we can't when we wouldn't have any other way of contacting pretty much any of the people close to us. As of now we've pretty much already distanced ourselves quite a bit, but completely leaving altogether probably isn't something we'll ever be able to do. Maybe when the sun explodes or something.

-👁

It's been a little bit since we've made any real updates to the site since we've been kinda preoccupied with other things recently, but we'll see if we can go back to working on it regularly. Also since we haven't had much time or really the motivation to work on the site, we also haven't written any diary entries. It's a little sad that it didn't take long for us to suddenly start forgetting about it, but that happens with pretty much all the projects we start. We'll try our best to keep up with it since this really is something that we enjoy doing, it's just a little difficult to stay focused on it when we have a ton of other stuff going on that's been draining us of all our motivation to attend to really any of our hobbies.

It's our second week (I think it is at least I've already lost track of the time) at the psychiatric program that we've been going to, it's actually been a lot better than it was on the first day. We found out that a few other kids there are also trans so that's allowed for us to feel a lot more comfortable there. We've also started actually meeting with a therapist for a certain amount of time during the program, so it's safe to say that we will be getting real help! We've only met with them once so far and they were fairly easy for us to talk to, so I really hope they don't end up sucking major ass. The last therapist we had before joining this program was really difficult for us to talk to because they weren't the most understanding of our issues and there were times where it felt like they were siding with our mom on a lot of things. My mom also has a history of lying to the therapists we've had about certain things behind our back so that only made things harder for us. As far as I know she doesn't have direct contact with the therapist we've been assigned at the program so hopefully shit like that won't happen again.

We got into a huge argument with our Mom on Sunday because we made it clear for the millionth time that we didn't wanna go to church. She likes to complain about how we make her late to church which is hilarious when that problem could be easily solved by her just not fucking forcing us to go with her. But apparently we can't be trusted to be home alone and need to be under constant supervision even though we're 16 years old and we literally don't do anything fucking wrong. What's even more frustrating is that she's been using our age against us to invalidate our reasons for not feeling motivated to do school or other important shit, but then she actively still treats us like we're a little kid. I get that she's probably just worried about us or whatever but if she really wants us to be independent and responsible for ourself, she needs to take a fucking step back and quit making us follow her around like a dog on a leash. Also that whole argument of course made our sisters feel the need to insert themselves and start scolding me too, just like in every other fucking situation. One of them just started blaming all of the issues I have on the computer, because of course technology responible for everything! (sarcasm). And the other just straight up told me that I need to stop resisting what mom wants because she's tired of the arguing and that I always make my problems everyone elses. And then later when I brought that up again because what she said really fucking pissed us off, she tried to gaslight us by saying that she never actually said that and that we misinterpret everything she says. It's funny when people say one thing that was clearly said with the intention to demean what someone's going through and they expect you to take it as literally anything other than them just being an asshole that could give less of a shit about your problems.

Since we haven't had access to our phone for a while, we can't draw in the way that we usually would (on Ibispaint X with our finger), so yesterday I decided to finally make use of the drawing tablet that we've had for a couple years and just never fucking used. It feels really awkward to draw with since when it comes to drawing digitally we're much more accustomed to just using our finger rather than a pen, but since it's our only option right now we're gonna have to start getting used to it. The program we tried out is Krita, which was really fucking frustrating for me to use since I had no idea how pretty much anything on it worked. I managed to draw something that I'm pretty proud of though, it was a redraw of an old drawing I made last year which was a humanization of my source self. I changed up the design to align a bit more with what my sona derived from said source looks like. I really like how it turned out :3

That's all that's really been going on for us recently so I'm not really sure what else to talk about, I might add on to this later if I think of something but for now I'm done. Peace!

-👾

According to my sister, I'm selfish and entitled because I don't agree with the mindset of "I payed for it, so it's not yours, it's mine". Personally I think if someone has something that they have an emotional connection to, that they've personalized in whatever way to be theirs, that has things that matter specifically to them on it, or if it's something that they literally fucking NEED, then it's theirs regardless if someone else paid for it. I explained that to my mom earlier since she still refuses to give me back my phone even though I have been making some progress in my mental health, and her argument was that the phone isn't mine because she pays for it. I mean, she pays for pretty much everything I own, since me being 16, unemployed and struggling to get through school, I have no way of getting any kind of money for myself at the moment. So by that logic, she might as well just take all of my shit away, whether it's electronic or not. It's also funny how she says shit like this when she literally threw away something once that I bought FOR MYSELF with MY OWN FUCKING MONEY (that I don't remember how I got but I had it), they were pride pins, and I never even fucking knew when they arrived because she threw them away as soon they were delivered. Her reason for it being that she "didn't want it in her house." Then she claims to not be homophobic or transphobic, how fucking hilarious!

I guess I can't really complain that much though since she did end up telling me earlier that she'd consider letting me have my phone for at least an hour everyday. I don't know if she'll actually stick to that, or if she'll even let me have it at all, since I very clearly remember asking her if I could have it because I was desperate to talk to my girlfriend, and she never gave it to me after saying that "she'd consider it". Trying to reason with these people or tell them my feelings genuinely feels like talking to a fucking wall.

Aside from all that, I've been binging Soul Eater recently. The story feels a little bland at certain parts, but I've honestly enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. I'm not really interested in a lot action animes, since a lot of them are extremely fucking generic, but this one actually seemed like it would suit my tastes so I thought I'd give it a shot. Despite its flaws I think it genuinely is a really great show! I love Crona and Maka so much they deserve the entire damn world, also they're lesbians to me I don't care what anyone else says (also Crona is so me-coded)

I don't have much else on my mind at the moment, so I'll end this one here.

I had a dream about my ex last night and I've been in a weird mood pretty much all day because of it. It wasn't really anything signifcant, it was just a "what if I got back in contact with this person that I no longer talk to" type of dream that I've had numerous times before, about other people as well. It's been bothering me though because I think there was a point where it became sexual. For obvious reasons I'm not going into the details here, plus my memory of the entire thing is extremely vague regardless. I can never really remember any of the dreams I have, if I do, then it's only small, vague snippets of them. I honestly think that's a good thing for me though, since most of the ones I at least vaguely remember weren't very pleasant. That's besides the point, though. I'm not sure if I had that dream because of my intrusive thoughts or if it was just my brain conjuring random shit up, it makes me feel really gross though because I really don't want to think of her in that way anymore. My hypersexuality causes me to have constant intrusive thoughts regarding shit like that, and they got especially worse when she came along. Even now that it's been months since we broke up, my mind is still plagued by these thoughts involving her. I genuinely feel so disgusted with myself because of it. I know it's not something that I'm able to control, but it's honestly part of why I feel like I can't keep the relationship I have now stable. Instead of being able to think about my actual girlfriend, I'm being constantly bombarded by thoughts of someone that treated me horribly. The fact that now I'm even getting fucking dreams about her of that nature just makes me wanna drill my fucking brain out from my skull.

I also can't shake this feeling of missing her and wanting to go back and repair my relationship with her for some reason. I know that I would only cause more harm to myself by doing so, but I still think about it constantly. There's still part of me that feels like everything was my fault, that I'm the one responsible for our relationship falling apart. She groomed me, I haven't forgotten that, but maybe if I had acted differently then I wouldn't have had to face the realization that that was what she did. I would've continued living in a lie, but I would've still been happy at least. I mean, I'm happy that I was able to stick up for myself, maybe I could've gone about it a little bit better, but I'm not happy knowing that someone I loved dearly ended up being so terrible. I'm not happy about how easy it was for her to just throw me away when I devoted my entire soul to her. I would've ripped my heart out of my chest for her. She knew that. So why did she treat me that way? I don't get it. I wanna believe that she really did love me, but looking back on everything, it's really hard for me to believe that. My feelings for her were true, the truest feelings that I've ever had for anyone, but I really can't help but feel like hers were nothing but one giant fucking lie. Now she's living happily as if none of it ever happened. I genuinely wish nothing but the absolute fucking worst for her. But I don't at the same time. I hope she's happy knowing she broke me beyond repair. I miss her, but I don't at the same time. But I do.

I definitely have a lot of things wrong with me, but that's news to pretty much no one.